The One Where Nana Dies Twice

aka: 12.4.15

One year ago on this day, December 4^th, David and I found out we were going to have a baby! This was the news we had been awaiting for 18 months. I remember everything about that day; I can see it all so clearly.

David and I decided to begin trying to start a family in May of 2014. We traveled to Birmingham to celebrate with one of my best friends as she got married and then we flew to Mexico for our annual anniversary trip. We were celebrating 4 years of marriage, had recently moved to a new city, and were moving into a new house when we got back from vacation. We had been praying about if/when to start trying to have a baby for a long time and the Lord showed us both it was time.

I was ecstatic! Over the moon excited. Couldn’t believe that this time next month I could possibly be pregnant. That in 9 or 10 months we might have a baby! It’s truly a surreal thought process.

Months came and months went. And month after month I wasn’t pregnant. I want to get real here – I KNOW waiting to get pregnant is one of the toughest times in a woman’s (and man’s) life. I understand this is very difficult for people struggling with infertility. But, by the grace of God, it really wasn’t like that for me and David. Sure, each month when I found out I wasn’t pregnant there was some disappointment, a little of that aforementioned ecstasy deflated, and I wondered when it would happen. BUT, my faith grew stronger each month, too. David and I just kept praying. We knew the Lord was in control and there was nothing we could do to change His timing. 

We talked about adoption and fostering to adopt. We prayed fervently through that. We even started the process to foster children. We knew we had so much love to give and we wanted to share that with a child. Though we were trying to conceive biologically, we were content with the possibility that it might not happen. Content by the grace of God.

I think us not being able to get pregnant was harder on our friends and family than it was on us. Because, you don’t really know what to say when your friend/daughter/son/niece/nephew is trying to get pregnant and it isn’t happening. “It’ll happen when it’s supposed to.” “The Lord’s timing is perfect.” “Maybe the Lord is protecting you from something and that’s why you aren’t pregnant yet.” “Whatever you do, don’t stress about it!” “Just don’t think about it.” FYI- NONE of those cliché phrases help.

The truth is, I WASN’T stressed about it. Really, I wasn’t. I DID think about it- often. I mean, if you are actively trying to get pregnant, you have to think about it due to, um… certain windows of time you must be aware of. So saying “Don’t think about it” is about the dumbest thing you can tell someone in this situation.

Knowing David and I weren’t getting pregnant was tough on my friend who got pregnant with her 4^th child. I think the only reason she told me is because I texted her and asked her when baby #4 was happening. I’m sure it was tough on my friend who got pregnant with her 1^st. Both of these women started trying after we did – but that did not matter to me! Just because I wasn’t getting pregnant didn’t mean I wasn’t totally overjoyed for my friends who were! Truly. By the grace of God.

What about that rude family member or friend who has no idea what’s going on in your life and not so subtly drops the bomb, “Well, you know, MOST people your age already have kids!” I can’t make this stuff up. I realize those comments were made in jest, but comments like that should NEVER be made. David and I were not upset, or sad, or angry about not yet being pregnant. By the grace of God. But, what if we were? Those comments would have made us weep. How bad would the person saying that feel then?!

I remember the first time I actually read the word “infertility” on some of my medical paperwork from my pregnancy (it was actually after I already had Adleigh). It struck a chord because I never really considered myself infertile. By medical definitions I was, but I never, ever thought like that. We had faith that we were right where the Lord wanted us, pursuing Him, and doing our best to be obedient to Him. So, we just continued to pray for His guidance and wisdom as we continued to try to expand our family. 

We tried for a year. 12 months. That’s how long the doctors want you to try before you go in for more specialized discussions and tests. Because apparently ninety something percent of women get pregnant within a year of actively trying. So I scheduled my first appointment. I remember this like it was yesterday, too. David was out of town, so my sweet friend said she would go with me. Just for some moral support. I’m so glad she did, too, because this was probably the first day in those 12 months that I got really overwhelmed. This doctor was a-mile-a-minute, can’t keep up, I’m in a whirlwind, what is going on kind of gal. I’m an educated medical professional, I understood what she was saying, but it was all just too much. My friend had to walk me through it when we left. 

So, I got some bloodwork done. Then the doctor put me on some medication because I was not ovulating. Then the next month I got some more bloodwork done. And I continued the medication because I was still not ovulating. Another month, another blood draw. A medication dose increase. I took the medication for 5 months. Somewhere in there I switched doctors because the first doctor just gave me so much anxiety. We didn’t mesh. Again, I was not anxious or stressed about not getting pregnant – David and I were still okay there – but for some reason, my first doctor just overwhelmed me! My new doctor is wonderful. So the 6^th month we added an additional medication. This was month 18 of trying to conceive.

My “start date” came and went. I did not get excited – I had been late many a time. On the third day after my start date I took a pregnancy test… it was negative. Fourth day… fifth day… sixth day… came and went uneventfully. On the seventh day I took another pregnancy test… it was negative. Eighth day… ninth day… more nothing. On the tenth day, I took yet another pregnancy test… it was negative. On the way home from the gym on day 10 I told David how late I was and that my pregnancy tests were negative. We just figured I was irregular- who gets 3 negative pregnancy tests and is actually pregnant? David went to work, I had the day off. So after lunch I texted my doctor and told her all of the above and asked her if I should get a blood test for pregnancy. She said she would send the order to the hospital. 

At 3:00 pm on Friday, December 4^th, 2015 I casually rode up to the hospital and walked into the lab. The phlebotomist drew my blood and then I realized it was Friday! Would I have to wait until Monday for the results?? The phlebotomist said it would take about an hour to run the lab. She must have known what the test was for and that it would be torture to make me wait until Monday because she said she would rush the blood to the lab and I could come back at 4:00 pm and she would give me the results. 

I drove over to CVS, poked around. I sat in the parking lot at the grocery store. I played around on my phone. I watched the clock. I walked right back into the lab at 4:00 and the sweet, sweet, woman handed me a piece of paper with my results. I didn’t know whether I wanted to look at it there or walk out! Being the pessimist that I am and never wanting to disappoint myself, I kept telling myself “It will still be negative, Amanda.” I knew any # greater than zero would mean I was pregnant. I was fully anticipating reading zero and feeling stupid for wasting my time and the lab’s time. I told the woman thank you. I glanced down at the paper and it said 424 mIU/mL! I felt my whole body flush. I smiled to myself and walked out. Walked out of the lab, walked out of the hospital, and started balling. Pulled out my phone, texted my doctor and told her the results and asked if that meant I was pregnant. She confirmed.

I couldn’t believe it! All by the grace of God.

I drove to the store and picked up a couple small baby things. I drove home, in shock. I wrapped the baby things in a Christmas present and waited for David to come home. We chatted for a minute and then I told him I bought him something for Christmas but that he would want it now. Unsuspectingly he opened the gift and pulled out the baby items and said, “Are we?!??”

It was such a great day! I will never, ever forget it. 

This is the story of our journey. This is the story of how God moved in our lives throughout those 18 months granting us peace - a peace that truly surpasses all understanding in what could have been a very difficult time. May we never forget how the Lord gave us grace during this time in our lives. And may we never cease to be thankful for Him entrusting Adleigh to us. She is His first. By the grace of God. Praise God!